The Fourth Embryo Transfer: Choosing a New Donor
After three failed transfers, Joseph Tito chose a new egg donor and tried again. The decision, the doubt, and what it meant to start over.
Choosing a new egg donor after three failed transfers is its own kind of grief. You're not just changing a variable — you're letting go of the embryos that didn't work, the donor you chose with such care, and the version of your child you'd started to imagine.
The Decision to Change Donors
After three failed transfers with the same embryos, my clinic recommended considering a new donor cycle. The embryo quality may have been a factor. The only way to know was to try with new genetics.
I spent two weeks sitting with that decision. Then I went back to the donor database and started again.
Starting Over
The second donor selection felt different from the first. Less wonder, more pragmatism. I knew what I was looking for. I knew the process. I also knew that choosing a donor didn't guarantee anything.
I chose someone whose profile felt right. I can't explain it better than that. After everything, I trusted my instincts.
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The Fourth Transfer
New donor. New embryos. Same two-week wait. Same brutal uncertainty.
The fourth transfer also failed. I sat in my kitchen for a long time after that call. Then I called my clinic and said: one more time.
What Kept Me Going
Honestly? I don't fully know. Stubbornness. The inability to imagine a life where I stopped trying. The knowledge that the fifth transfer was still possible.
And the belief — irrational, persistent, necessary — that my daughters existed somewhere in the future, waiting for me to find them.
Joseph Tito
Creator of The Dad Diaries. Gay dad of twins. Writing about fatherhood, surrogacy, and the beautiful mess of real life.