Choosing an Egg Donor for Surrogacy: What Gay Dads Need to Know
How to choose an egg donor for surrogacy as a gay dad — the process, the emotions, and what actually matters when making this decision.
Egg donor in gestational surrogacy, is a woman who provides eggs for fertilization. The donor has no legal parental rights and typically no ongoing relationship with the child, though open-identity donors can be contacted by the child at 18.
Choosing an egg donor is one of the most surreal parts of the surrogacy process. You're scrolling through profiles — photos, medical histories, personality questionnaires — trying to find someone whose DNA will shape your child's life. There's no perfect way to do it. Here's how to approach it without losing your mind.
Anonymous vs. Open-Identity Donors
Anonymous donors have their identity protected — your child will not be able to contact them. Open-identity (or ID-release) donors agree to be contacted by the donor-conceived child when they turn 18.
This is a significant decision. Many donor-conceived adults report wanting to know their genetic origins. Open-identity donation is increasingly the norm, and many agencies now only work with open-identity donors. For more on how to navigate this with your children, see what gay dads should know about donor-conceived children.
What to Look for in a Profile
Medical history is the most important factor — family health history, genetic screening results, and any hereditary conditions. Your fertility clinic will review this with you.
Beyond medical, you're looking for someone whose profile resonates with you. Some intended parents prioritize physical traits. Others focus on personality, education, or values. There's no right answer — but be honest with yourself about what matters to you and why.
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The Emotional Weight of the Decision
Nobody warns you about how heavy this feels. You're choosing the genetic blueprint for a person who doesn't exist yet. That's enormous. Give yourself permission to take time with it. The emotional support you build around yourself during this stage matters more than most people realize.
It's also okay to feel conflicted, overwhelmed, or even guilty about the criteria you're using. These are normal responses to an abnormal situation. Talk to your therapist, your agency counselor, or other gay dads who've been through it.
The Medical Process After Selection
Once you've chosen a donor, the medical process begins: synchronizing cycles, hormone treatments for the donor, egg retrieval, fertilization with your sperm, embryo creation, and genetic testing (PGT) if you choose it.
The timeline from donor selection to embryo transfer is typically 6–10 weeks, depending on the donor's availability and your clinic's schedule.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do gay dads choose an egg donor?
Through an agency egg bank or independent donor database. You review profiles including photos, medical history, personality questionnaires, and sometimes essays or videos. Your fertility clinic guides the medical screening.
How much does an egg donor cost for surrogacy?
Typically $8,000–$15,000+ for the donor's compensation, plus agency fees and medical costs for the retrieval cycle. Experienced donors or those with specific traits may command higher fees.
Should I use a known or anonymous egg donor?
Open-identity donation is increasingly recommended so donor-conceived children can access their genetic history at 18. Many agencies now exclusively work with open-identity donors.
Joseph Tito
Creator of The Dad Diaries. Gay dad of twins. Writing about fatherhood, surrogacy, and the beautiful mess of real life.