Would I Do Surrogacy Again? A Gay Dad's Honest Answer
After years, five embryo transfers, and $150K+ — would I do surrogacy again? A gay dad's honest, complicated answer.
People ask this question expecting a simple yes or no. But nothing about surrogacy is simple. The answer is yes — and also, it's complicated.
The Honest Answer
Yes. A thousand times yes. My daughters are the best thing that ever happened to me. Every dollar, every failed transfer, every sleepless night of waiting — it was all worth it.
But 'worth it' and 'easy' are not the same thing. And I'd be lying if I said the journey didn't leave scars.
What I Didn't Know Going In
I didn't know how long it would take. I had a rough idea of the timeline — a year, maybe two. It took three and a half. Five embryo transfers. Two egg donors. More waiting than I knew a person could survive.
I didn't know how much it would cost, not really. The number in my head was a starting point. The actual number was something else entirely.
I didn't know how lonely it would feel at times. Not because I didn't have support — I did. But because there's a specific kind of alone that comes with wanting something this badly and having no control over whether it happens.
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What I'd Do Differently
I'd prepare better financially. Not just for the surrogacy itself, but for the unexpected costs — the failed transfers, the additional legal fees, the emotional support I needed and didn't budget for.
I'd find my community earlier. Other gay dads who'd been through it. Not for advice — for understanding. The loneliness of the surrogacy journey was something I didn't expect.
I'd be easier on myself. I spent so much energy trying to do everything perfectly that I forgot to feel the joy of what was happening. I was so focused on the destination that I missed parts of the journey.
I would get a better lawyer earlier. Not a good lawyer — a specialist. Someone who had done this exact thing, in the exact jurisdiction, for gay dads specifically.
I would be more honest with the people around me about what I was going through. I performed okayness a lot. It didn't help anyone.
What I Wouldn't Change
The decision to do it alone. As a single dad by choice, I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier with a partner. Maybe. But my girls have a dad who chose them with his whole heart — no compromise, no negotiation. That clarity is a gift.
The agency I chose. The surrogate who carried my daughters. The egg donor who gave them half their DNA. Every person in that chain was exactly right.
The Real Question
The question isn't 'would I do surrogacy again?' The question is 'would I choose this life again?' And the answer to that is the easiest yes I've ever given.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is surrogacy worth it for gay dads?
For most gay dads who've been through it, yes — but not because it's easy. The process is expensive, emotionally demanding, and often longer than expected. The outcome, for those who reach it, is worth it. Go in with realistic expectations.
What would you change about your surrogacy journey?
Better legal representation earlier, more emotional support infrastructure from the start, and more honesty with the people around me about what I was actually going through.
How many embryo transfers did your surrogacy take?
Five. Across two egg donors and three and a half years. It was not the timeline I planned for.
Joseph Tito
Creator of The Dad Diaries. Gay dad of twins. Writing about fatherhood, surrogacy, and the beautiful mess of real life.