How to Support a Friend Going Through Surrogacy
Your friend is going through surrogacy. You want to help. Here's what actually helps — and what doesn't — from a dad who's been on the receiving end.
When I was going through surrogacy, the people who helped most weren't the ones who said the right thing. They were the ones who showed up. Here's how to be that person for someone you love.
What to Say
'How are you actually doing?' Not the polite version. The real version. Most people going through surrogacy are performing 'fine' for the world while quietly falling apart. Give them permission to be honest.
'I don't fully understand this, but I'm here.' You don't need to understand IVF or gestational carriers or pre-birth orders. You need to understand that your friend is going through something enormous and they need you.
What Not to Say
'At least you don't have to go through pregnancy!' This minimizes the emotional weight of surrogacy. The anxiety, the distance, the lack of control — it's its own kind of hard.
'Have you thought about just adopting?' Yes. They have. This isn't helpful. It implies their choice needs justifying.
'Everything happens for a reason.' Especially after a failed transfer. Nothing about a failed embryo transfer feels like it happened for a reason. Just be present.
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What Actually Helps
Check in regularly. Not just at the big moments — the transfer, the results — but in the quiet weeks between. That's when the loneliness hits hardest.
Offer specific help. 'Can I bring dinner Tuesday?' is better than 'Let me know if you need anything.' People in crisis don't know what they need. Make it easy for them.
Celebrate the milestones they share. A positive beta. A heartbeat. A successful transfer. These moments are enormous — treat them that way. And if they need to talk about the emotional side, let them.
After the Baby Arrives
The support doesn't end at birth. In many ways, that's when it's needed most. New parents — especially single parents through surrogacy — need practical help: meals, company, someone to hold the baby while they shower.
Show up. Keep showing up. That's the whole guide.
Joseph Tito
Creator of The Dad Diaries. Gay dad of twins. Writing about fatherhood, surrogacy, and the beautiful mess of real life.