Brave or Natural?
People call me brave for becoming a gay dad. I understand why they say it. I just don't think it's the right word.
The word I hear most often is 'brave.' From strangers at the grocery store. From family members who didn't expect this. From well-meaning people who see a gay man with twin daughters and reach for the most generous word they know. I understand why they say it. I just don't think it's the right word.
What Bravery Implies
Bravery implies a choice between fear and action — that you felt the fear and did it anyway. That there was a moment where you could have turned back, and you didn't.
But I never felt like I was choosing between fear and fatherhood. I felt like I was choosing between fatherhood and the absence of fatherhood. And that wasn't a choice at all.
What It Actually Felt Like
It felt natural. Not easy — the surrogacy process was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But the wanting? The certainty that I was supposed to be a father? That was never in question.
I think that's what people miss when they call it brave. They see the obstacles — the cost, the legal complexity, the social scrutiny — and they assume the desire must have been fragile enough to need courage to sustain it. It wasn't. The desire was the one thing that never wavered.
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The Word I'd Use Instead
Persistent. Determined. Stubborn, even. I kept going through five embryo transfers not because I was brave but because stopping wasn't something I could imagine.
Maybe that's what bravery looks like from the outside. From the inside, it just feels like love doing what love does.
What I Want My Daughters to Know
I don't want them to grow up thinking their family required bravery. I want them to grow up knowing their family required love — and that love, when it's real, doesn't feel like courage. It feels like the only possible thing.
They weren't a brave choice. They were the inevitable destination of everything I am.
Joseph Tito
Creator of The Dad Diaries. Gay dad of twins. Writing about fatherhood, surrogacy, and the beautiful mess of real life.