Choosing a Surrogate: What Gay Dads Need to Know
Choosing a surrogate is one of the most intimate decisions you'll make as an intended parent. Here's what the process actually looks like — and what nobody tells you about it.
You're choosing someone to carry your child. That sentence alone should tell you everything about the weight of this decision. Here's what the matching process looks like, what to consider, and how to navigate it as a gay dad.
The Matching Process
If you're working with an agency, they'll present you with surrogate profiles based on your preferences and the surrogate's preferences. Yes — surrogates choose too. Many have specific criteria about the intended parents they want to work with. For guidance on finding the right agency, I've written a separate guide.
The profile includes medical history, pregnancy history, lifestyle, motivation, and sometimes a personal letter. You'll review it, ask questions, and if both sides agree, you'll be matched.
What to Look For
Medical history is paramount. A surrogate should have had at least one successful pregnancy and delivery. Your fertility clinic will conduct thorough medical screening.
Beyond medical, you're looking for alignment on values, communication style, and expectations. How much contact do you want during the pregnancy? Does she want the same? These conversations happen early — and they matter.
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The Emotional Weight
You're trusting someone with the most important thing in your life. That's enormous. And it's okay to feel nervous, protective, and grateful all at once. The emotional support you build around yourself during this stage is critical.
My surrogate in Kenya was someone I met once — briefly, in a clinic in Mombasa. The trust I placed in her, and in the clinic, was an act of faith. It was also the most important act of faith I've ever made.
For Gay Dads Specifically
Find a surrogate who is genuinely comfortable with your family structure. Most surrogates who work with agencies that serve gay intended parents are self-selected — they've chosen to be there. But confirm it. Ask the questions. Make sure the contract reflects mutual understanding.
Your surrogate is giving you a gift that words can't adequately describe. Treat the relationship with the respect and gratitude it deserves.
Joseph Tito
Creator of The Dad Diaries. Gay dad of twins. Writing about fatherhood, surrogacy, and the beautiful mess of real life.